Today, tomorrow, the rest of my life…

It’s May… Next thing I’ll know it’ll be June. An obvious statement, you may think. But time seems to be looming upon me of late. What is ‘of late’ though? Is that days? Months? Years? It’s such a general time, yet we all seem to know it’s intended meaning.
Nevermind… The concept of time is one I struggle with a lot as you may have already noticed. June is a frightening time for me. A time when my life will practically hang in the balance. All my dreams, hopes and wishes will depend on a single moment, a few single moments perhaps. My nerves will be tested, my knowledge and skills too. Exams, of course. I talk of the Summer time exams.

What with the new University fees and other such matters, time has become of the utmost importance; pass now and go to University in September to avoid extortionate prices, or fail and face the dreaded consequences and years of debt after having to go back a year or two.

So, you see my dilemma. I have to get into university this September and the pressure is on to succeed, which, quite frankly, is tough as time isn’t on my side. It wants to haunt me; I know logically I have time, but still if you think about it, the 13th June isn’t really that far away. And that’s way I hate time, because it always looks different from one angle to the next.

The only answer is to fear and cherish time all at once; but how can one do that?! It’s… Well, that’s – for a start – juxtaposition. The two concepts clash completely! I suppose life is filled with loads of these kinds of impossibilities, I just have to make the impossible become possible, won’t I?

We’ll do it our way.

There’s a paradise in my head,
Where we all live.
Where all the rules are our own.
No one to tell what to do, what to eat, and what to say.
There’s nothing to fear,
No need to hide,

My life is my own,
And yours is yours,
We don’t care what you say,
We’ll do it our way.

Eat, drink and be merry… Forget the rest.

Could it get much worse than this?

It’s almost as if no one has ‘been there’ and ‘done that’. But everyone, in this day and age, has been to school. But it’s as if they don’t understand anything.

Education takes up most of ours lives…and it sucks. I don’t think I can put up with the pressure much longer. The constant prospect of time, always at the back of my mind, nagging me.

There’s never enough time in the day, never enough time in the year. My brain can’t take much more of this bullshit.

My emotions are up and down all the time, but the constant dread never leaves me. I can’t actually be fully content, fully happy.

If anyone ever tells you that your school years, your time in education, will be the best time in your life…well, then they are obviously oblivious to the pain and torture that accompanies it. They obviously thought school was a ‘doss’ or were so clever they never had to try.

Curse those types of people, getting it so easy, while people like myself sit here at their desks trying and trying and failing. Screw them…this life sucks more then ever now. I think I’d rather be back at my first secondary school, having my heart and soul broken by bullies again. At least the responsibility of that didn’t lay on my shoulders and determine my future career prospects. Fuck this fucking bullshitting life.

I need to get away from here. Oh, why do I have to feel like this so close to Christmas, I’ll ruin things…like I always do.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Long time, no speak…

It’s been a while since I last penned, or should I say ‘typed’, my thoughts here. I thought it was about time that I did so.

Looks like winter’s on it’s way, or should I say ‘feels like’ it is! Fingerless gloves, slippers, long cardigan, scarf on indoors and an electric heater not 1 foot away from me…Yep, I’d say its pretty darn cold. I do believe that I’m beginning to show the first signs of  the winter blues. =(

So I’ve been keeping myself rather busy of late, college work, University open days, confidence collapses and mental breakdowns …the usual. Okay, maybe ‘mental breakdowns’ is a little exaggerated, but it really did feel like my brain cells were slowly fizzling away. I just had a bit of a confidence breakdown…long story short, I freaked out, wanted to quit college, then wanted to do a completely different degree. But I wanted to go to Uni in September more than anything.

So I  was going to stick with it. I had family friends telling me that Occupational Therapy is written all over me. I had teachers telling me they were shocked by my little personal crisis, that they had such confidence in me and didn’t want me to drop out or anything of the sort, because I am ‘such a credit to them and the college’. And hearing all of that was what I needed; I may not have had confidence in me but they did. So I questioned myself; ‘if they can believe in me, then why can’t I? I’ve wanted this for so long, I can’t back off now because I had a moment of doubt…Never.’

So confidence crisis over, University decisions underway, I got on with life. It’s taken time to get back to normal, I’m in a routine, but I still have moments where I feel like I want to jack everything in. But I know I won’t do that. My only annoyance at the moment is with A2 Sociology. Honesty?…it sucks. It is a subject that not only makes you think too much about everything, it just angers me. Sociology is an opinion based subject; you learn theories, which are other peoples opinions and then you argue your opinion using their theories to back it up…et cetera, et cetera. But alas it never works out like that. I voice my opinion and, of course, it’s wrong. I get the unmistakable look a teacher give you when they’re thinking ‘you’re so wrong, but I can’t say it out loud’, and I get other students in the class jump down my throat. Silence really is golden in this subject. I try not to speak at all now, else I simply get angry.

Ergh…

It’s just one of those days!

I got up and felt fine, got washed and dressed did my make-up, had breakfast then laid down to read Wuthering Heights. Good day I’d say…but for some absurd reason I’m shattered! I just want to go to bed, but it only 6:30pm. I’m off out to my friends now, so I need to wake up.

I ate nearly a whole family pack of salt and vinegar chips…well actually I think I ate the whole pack. Note to self: never do that again!!! Ergh…Mum made me have some tea, which I’m grateful for because I feel less sick now. But alas…my eyelids still droop and I keep yawning. This post is simple my attempt at waking my brain…seems to be working a bit but I keep yawning still because I’m thinking about yawning and keep typing the word yawn…*yawns* see there I go again…yawning!

Ergh…I’m going to talk about something else (after I’ve finished yawning).

Right now the blog is meant to be able the life of a student; moi. I’ll start with the basics. I go to Kings Lynn CoWA (College of West Anglia). I have just completed my first year of A levels and got my results last Thursday. What a frightening day. Honestly no one told me just how different A levels are to GCSEs. Now let me tell you, they are a hell of a lot harder. You don’t realise it until you get your results. I got a B in Human Biology and English. But shockingly I got a D in sociology, even though I was getting B/A (C at the very least) throughout the year. I’m resisting one of the units in January. As expected, however, I got an E in psychology. We were messed about ‘shit loads’ with psychology. A teacher was crap didn’t really teach us…long story short we complained, he went on sick leave, and we got to new teachers who had to re-teach us EVERYTHING! In my personal opinion, I didn’t think that it helped one bit. We…well, I was a lost cause when it came to psychology. You either know it or you never will. I never will. So I’ve dropped psychology. And I advice that no one take it unless you’ve taken it a GCSE…I wouldn’t even recommend doing Sociology without a GCSE. But I shall struggle on with it…it’s a hell of a lot easier than Psychology, so I’ll be okay. I only need BCC to get into UEA anyway!

Anyway, I have to go now…Mum is calling me to go!

Laters xxx